Arrested Development (from the summer of 1997)
My development is arrested I feel.
The feeling of missing you properly is all I develop. So I decided to clean my room
today and dispose of everything belonging
to a past no longer important to me.
So far I carried down two bags
of pasttime accessoires which didn’t mean anything,
but I kept them. Anything
to prove I had a rich life. I feel
free of bags
burdening my shoulders. I need more room
for the present. Emptiness fills me
with satisfaction. It soothes my soul, belonging
into empty space and time, belonging
somehow into nothingness, makes me happy. Anything
can happen. Let me
fly, let me dream, until I feel
the meaning of life. No room
for a vision, people everyday are carrying their bags,
complaining, suffering, mourning. Too many bags
contain nothing more then sorrows belonging
to somebody else. No room
to dream up your perfect life and make it come true. Anything
to avoid happiness, it seems. People feel
lost, trapped, I feel them scream at me –
voiceless, but deep inside. Desperation surrounds me.
I want to yell: PUT DOWN YOUR BAGS
AND RUN. YOU DONT HAVE TO DO THIS! But I feel
they would not hear me. It is like they are belonging
into this weird life. Anything
to stay. Does not everybody deserve his empty room
to build a life with? A room
of ones own is one condition for happiness, don’t you agree with me?
And a room does not have to have four walls, it can be anything.
It can just be inside yourself, a golden bag
filled with sunlight to fuel you through your days, belonging
only to you. A treasure-island, the bluest ocean, a sandstorm. I feel
we are all like this. Harbouring a bag of golden light
within our souls. Are we belonging to ourselves now? I
feel I would give anything to share my room with emptiness.