I need my memories, they are my documents. #Louise Bourgeois
Over the past weeks. failure was a very vivid motive in my thinking and writing. I am still not done with it. I think, it will go into longer writing projects. But I liked this one and thought, it is good enough right now, to share it here.
The attraction of empty spaces.
In my mind.
You are my favourite poem.
Between my every word lingers my silence.
My silence is the space, in which I wait for you.
The waiting has been very long.
You have not come.
I told myself stories.
Between every word of every story was silence,
the silence, in which I told myself more stories about why you never came.
The stories are easier to bear, than the uncertainty.
The nothingness, in which my waiting turned.
It is in boredom, in this nothingness, that we no longer can avoid ourselves.
A complete lack of knowledge about what will happen. There is nothing. Just me, lying on my floor, listening to the breathing at my right nostril. Waiting. The stories I tell myself, to find distraction from this nothing, that life has become, are flooding my brain. They become so vivid. They are more my life than my life itself ever was.
What is the next step?
I dont know.
I dont know, what shall happen.
Is this bad?
An absolute openness. It has to be there. For things to develop.
Listen to the silence in your own mind. It is there.
To be with the uncertainty, to not fight it. Could uncertainty become a friend?
To endure it. This emptiness. This silence. This silence of my past into the here and now. From this empty room, my future will be created. No, it will unfold. To let it walk out, without interference. Effort was probably not necessary. Just listening. To be quiet, again and again.
Don’t try, just respond.
Listen to the breeze.
Whoever you want to be. But do not force it.
Everything is possible. And not.
Who does she want to be?
The next step will be, to answer this question in all available colours.
Suddenly she arrived at a point, like a zero. Everything could vanish and restart, like nothing ever happened before.
What is the next step?
One day, your comfort zone will kill you
To ask nobody for permission to be your self.
All life long waiting to be disvovered. To discover and manifest yourself.
Not waiting for anybody to tell you, how wonderful you are.
You are wonderful.
What is the next step?
To find my love. What do I love? Whom do I love?
„The Fact, that we are only briefly on this earth and that we do not get, what we wish for. This is a memento mori.“ Anselm Kiefer
All desires, unfullfilled, the possible lifes, the designs to live, which fall into nothingness, but remain part of you, forever. Everything you wished for, and did not get, it will still design your life, from behind the curtain. You are not simply, what you do, what you create, but also, what you dismiss, or what dismisses you. Or who. A life, that does not happen, and still remains in the shadows of all that happens.
All the dreams, which go down with every person, but still remain in the atmosphere, like stardust.
We are all stardust.
All those unfullfilled desires. Everything you did not get, though you really wanted it.
Experience the failing and the loss fully, the being lost in all of this, which you dreamed, and which never turned into reality.
To go into this storm, which can last six hours, or six weeks or even six years. Which can last forever. This failing, it is your victory. For the first time, you hear your own voice, which was shaped through the pain. It is your victory. Everything which remains, is yours now.
Listen carefully to what remains.
Look at the beach for all the little things, that are still there, or that are there because of the loss.
To stand up into your true magnitude, which is the sum of your losses and what you did with them. Everything you learned. Everything you found on the way. The little treasures, which seemed like nothing, they are everything.
This is what makes you human, that you can loose so thoroughly and with what kind of attitude you stand up again, or not.
To loose everything.
All your desires, unfullfilled.
The shame about it.
The shame to have failed in the presence of others.
The lifes, you could have lived.
The dreams, you had and never realized.
The plans, that turned into nothing and left a sour taste on your lips. This sour taste, which turned bitter over many years.
The failing. The loosing. The not getting what you so deeply desired, again and again. It is a storm.
This storm can last six hours, or six weeks. This storm can last an entire life.
It is, what gives you your deepest voice.
It will change you. It will change your perspective on everything.
Is a long time.
(c) Susanne Becker