After all, I did not die. There wasn’t even ever the possibility, I might have. My situation was not at all that dangerous. But I felt, I had no whatsoever control over my body. Which felt actually great. Not to have control was underneath the wish, to have control, the most liberating experience, I ever had in my life. I still remember the freedom clearly.
I also remember, that there were other moments after this one, where I met this freedom again, most of the time for a minute or ten, at the most. But once, I met it for ten days in a row, that was, when my mother was dying, exactly two years ago, February 2014. She had surrendered completely, and with her lack of any wish to control anything any longer, produced such a tender peace around her, that the minute I entered her room, I totally gave over to this peace. I could sit there for hours, hold her hand, watch her dying, and it was bliss. When we looked at each other, we could not stop smiling, because we both knew, that we were sharing the most wonderful time, we ever had together. When she actually did die, I felt mostly sad, because that paradiselike situation with her was over and I had to return to reality. I tried to carry my experiences over to that reality and for a short while, it worked.
© Susanne Becker